How to Overcome the Guilt of Hurting Someone

Hurting someone never feels good. No matter what the circumstances, the first choice is rarely to inflict pain– whether physical, mental, or emotional - on another person. The regret that often comes with hurting someone can be very difficult to bear. 

Frequently hurt people hurt people: here’s our six step guide on navigating the after-effects of hurting someone and overcoming guilt and regret to move forward healthily. 

How Guilt Affects Us

Guilt is a deep emotion that can be very difficult to cope with. Fundamentally, guilt is a feeling of emotional discomfort at having acted against one’s values. When you hurt someone or their feelings, it’s a violation of interpersonal boundaries and values and often results in a damaged relationship. Even small harm to other people can result in huge guilt. 

Many people struggle with moving past guilt and stay stuck perseverating on their actions and harm done. This can further damage relationships, cause people to avoid others, or even precipitate a mental spiral.

Steps to Dealing With Guilt

Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to let go after hurting someone. This is a roadmap to dealing with your guilt, overcoming it, and taking accountability to move forward with your life and begin to repair any relationships you might want to maintain.

Step #1: Accept Yourself and Your Mistakes

You might find yourself asking, “How can I forgive myself after hurting someone?” It’s important above all to be gentle with yourself and accept that you are a fallible person who makes mistakes and that your actions were mistakes. No one is perfect, and to hold yourself to impossible standards is not healthy or useful.

Step #2: Remind Yourself You’re a Good Person

A person is not defined by one action but by all their actions. Most people live the majority of their lives according to their values, and most who experience guilt in the first place are not malicious. If you felt guilt, this means you know the harm you committed was not what you would typically do.

Step #3: Talking to Someone Helps

Talking to someone, whether a friend, partner, counselor, or therapist, is a great way to build human connection and also help you process guilt and strong feelings about your actions. Humans are by nature social creatures; self-isolation will only keep you mired in cyclical thinking about guilt, whereas opening up to someone you trust can create a safe space for you to begin your healing journey.

Step #4: Seeking Forgiveness

If you choose to, seeking forgiveness from the person you harmed can be an important part of your own healing journey. Knowing that they no longer hold ill will towards you and that they have the capacity to forgive you makes it that much easier to begin to forgive yourself. 

That said, it’s also important to be mindful that you don’t owe someone who hurt you anything. You might ask yourself why you feel bad for someone who hurt you, and this is just another aspect of your own moral compass. In some cases, victims of abuse feel guilty for leaving or standing up for themselves- but there is no need for guilt. 

Step #5: Making Amends

For many, making amends to the person you wronged is an important step in moving forward after the moment of harm. Amends can look like anything from an apology to an offering of service or compensation. A well-known example of this is the 8th step of recovery within the Alcoholics Anonymous paradigm, in which the person with the alcohol use disorder contacts those they’ve wronged to make amends.

Step #6: Learning From Your Mistakes

It’s important to take some time and reflect on the circumstances, thoughts, and actions that led you to hurt someone. While it might not feel good to revisit those memories, taking a moment of self-reflection to analyze ways you might have acted differently is a great way to let your past actions be a teachable moment for your future self, rather than just a bad memory.

How Guilt Shapes Our Perspectives

Guilt, while a deeply uncomfortable emotion, doesn’t have to be that forever. It’s a gut check that we still carry a moral value system and our own way of ensuring that we live according to our values. It causes us to reflect on and learn from our mistakes, and motivates us to make better choices in the future. Learning how to deal with the guilt of hurting someone through healthy coping is just another step in your own growth process.

While it may feel difficult– if not unbearable– right now, it does get better. Especially if you have someone to talk to and help you process your difficult emotions. Reach out today to see if our free of charge counseling services are right for you.