“So, Now What?”: Dealing with Feelings of Powerlessness After Sexual Assault
“So, Now What”?: Dealing with Feelings of Powerlessness After Sexual Assault
(Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault and Suicidal Ideation)
It took me a very long time to understand and accept that I had been sexually assaulted. I struggled to wrap my head around the idea that this had actually happened to me. I remember asking my therapist multiple times, “So, now what? What am I supposed to do with this?” There was never any clear answer. I felt incredibly helpless, constantly tormented by the memories of the worst moments of my life and unable to manage the symptoms of my PTSD. I did the only thing that I thought would give me some sense of agency; I reported the assault to my University.
I began to struggle with suicidal thoughts. I could not imagine a life where I wasn’t haunted by this darkness. I felt like I could never be fully present in my own life, like part of me was still always trapped at the scene of the abuse. And to make matters worse, my school was incredibly apathetic to my case which made me feel even more powerless. I became consumed by my trauma and rage. Right when I thought I had reached my breaking point, I had a conversation with my father that changed the trajectory of my recovery. Through my tears, I told him that I didn’t know how to move forward, that I felt trapped in my own head and completely powerless. I told him that I didn’t want to live with this trauma and anger anymore. Usually a stoic man, he looked at me and said “But you’re still alive. You’re still here. I know it’s hard to let go of the past and maybe you never fully do, but you’re still here. You still have a life. It’s yours. Now, it becomes about what you’re going to do with it.”
Although these words may sound hollow to some, it was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. I needed a reminder that this was my life, and not my abusers’. A reminder that I did survive. And that I have the choice to do whatever I want with my life, regardless of what happened. It took time, but eventually I started to regain a sense of autonomy and agency. Despite the rage and despair, I started to reclaim my life and found purpose and power through a variety of means. For me, I found purpose and healing through political activism and working with other survivors. But you can find power and purpose through anything you want to do with your life.
Although our trauma can make us feel trapped, the reality is that we don’t have to be. PTSD can be our brains’ way of trying to keep us safe from future danger by reminding us of the past, but if you’re reading this, it means that you’re still here. You still have a life. Even if you’re feeling hopeless and defeated, you are still reclaiming your power just by existing today. You can pick up the pieces of your life and reshape them into anything you want to be, and that is where the power truly lies.
Written by: Ciara Asonye
