16 Examples to Determine Abuse
One of the biggest questions I am asked from clients is “He never hit me, so how do I know that it is actually abuse?” This is a common misconception in our society. People associate a picture of a battered woman with bruises, cuts, and scrapes as abuse. Yes, physical abuse is a sure sign you are being abused, but there are many other types of abuse that you should be aware of. These include physical abuse, domestic violence or abuse, sexual abuse, psychological or emotional abuse, financial or material abuse, spiritual abuse, verbal abuse, and discriminatory abuse. There are many others, but we will stick to these since they are the most common.
Back to the question at hand, how do I know it is abuse? I created a checklist for you to make it easier for you to determine whether you are currently in an abusive relationship. Please remember that romantic relationships are not the only relationships that can be abusive. Abusive relationships can happen with friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, churches, and anywhere where you have connections and relationships with others.
Answer Yes or No to the following questions.
If you answer “yes” to even one of these questions, you may be the victim of abuse:
Yes/No - Have you changed your normal activities to avoid upsetting your partner?
Yes/No - Does your partner pretend he/she is doing you a favor by staying with you?
Yes/No - Do you feel controlled or intimidated by your partner?
Yes/No - Do they follow or spy on you, leave threatening notes, texts or phone messages, make you leave location sharing active 24/7, or call to check in numerous times a day?
Yes/No - Do they force you to perform sexual acts when you don’t want to?
Yes/No - Are you afraid of your partner blowing up?
Yes/No - Have they damaged (or threatened to damage) your personal belongings as punishment or to get a reaction?
Yes/No - Does your partner withhold money, food, medicine or transportation from you?
Yes/No - Do they say no one else would care about you if they didn’t?
Yes/No - Do they insult you, call you names or make you feel stupid, useless or unworthy?
Yes/No - Have they ever hit, slapped, pushed, yanked on or kicked you in anger, even lightly?
Yes/No - Has your partner violated a protective order in the past?
Yes/No - Has your partner prevented you or the children from leaving by threatening physical harm?
Yes/No - Have they threatened to hurt or kill you, someone you love, a pet or themselves?
Yes/No - Have they injured you, your children or others enough to need medical attention?
Yes/No - Do they threaten you or those you love with weapons or other objects?
This is a gentle reminder that if you answered Yes to any of this treatment, it isn’t loving or caring.
If you answered “Yes” to even one of these questions, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800)-799-7233 or text START to 88788. They are open 24/7 and speak a variety of languages.
Please also know that if you are feeling a sense of hopelessness or despair, resentment, guilt, or disgust toward your abuser, this is totally normal. Keep in mind, these are also signals your body is sending you that something is not okay. If you have been lacking or have no self care routine or have lost interest in things you used to love, this is also normal but an indicator that you should get help soon!
Your abuser may have isolated you. Perhaps you have very little or no friends or family that you can confide in. Perhaps you are too embarrassed to tell anyone. This is also normal, but please remember that your silence only helps your abuser. The reason the abusers isolate you is to remain in control and have power over you.
If your relationship feels unsafe, tense, scary, or uncomfortable, trust your gut and get help. If you are being physically abused, please be very careful because your life is literally in danger. You can safely come up with a safety plan before you exit - please do not just up and leave without a plan.
Some ways to protect yourself are:
Call or text the above Domestic Abuse Hotline.
Talk to someone you trust such as a friend, counselor, your doctor, neighbor, coworker, domestic abuse advocate, etc.
Avoid being alone with your abuser if possible.
Always carry a cell phone.
Save all threatening/harassing texts, emails, pictures, social media messages, etc.
Creating a safety plan - if you do not know how to do this an advocate from the Domestic Abuse Hotline can help you start one.
Please remember you are not alone! Isolation can cause other issues that can negatively impact your mind, mood, and body. Chronic social isolation increases the risk of mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, as well as chronic conditions like high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes. If you do not have anyone to lean on, consider joining a support group. Support groups are known to help decrease feelings of isolation, loneliness, depression, and anxiety. It really helps to hear from other people who are in your situation or who were in your situation and were able to get out.
&Rise offers free counseling and support groups. Two of our support groups are virtual so you can join from anywhere in the U.S. or even beyond! To learn more about our support groups visit www.womenrisechicago.org/support-groups. If you ever need an ear or don’t know where to turn to next, I am always here as a resource for you.
Jennifer Ramirez
jennifer@womenrisechicago.org
