How to Talk to Your Family About Abuse (And Why You Don’t Have to Be Ashamed)

Apr 15

After months or years of domestic abuse, there’s a moment when the fog starts to lift. Maybe it’s after a sharp word or an aching silence. Maybe it’s when your heart jumps at the sound of their footsteps. Maybe it’s just a quiet thought: This doesn’t feel safe.

That moment matters.

Whether you’re still in it or slowly finding your way out, one of the hardest parts of experiencing abuse is feeling like you have to hide it, especially from the people who love you. Family, friends, daughters, sisters…These are the people we want to be able to run to. But shame, fear, and even loyalty can get in the way.

If this is you, this is your reminder: you deserve to be safe. You don’t owe anyone silence. Telling the truth is a form of self-love. And you don’t have to do this alone.

Here’s how to begin talking about it, and protect your peace in the process:

1. Start by telling the truth to yourself

Before you speak to anyone else, get honest with you. Abuse doesn’t always look like black eyes or broken bones. It can look like control. Like constant criticism. Like isolation. Like someone always making you feel small, or unsafe, or like your needs are too much.

Name it, without sugarcoating. I’m not being treated well. I don’t feel safe. I’m being abused.

You have to believe yourself first, that’s where your power begins.

2. Choose your people with care

Not everyone will understand. That’s hard, but it’s okay. You don’t have to convince everyone - you just need a few people who will listen and believe you. Start small. A sibling, a cousin, a childhood friend. Someone who knows your spirit and has earned the right to hold your story.

You can say something like:

“I need to tell you something important, but it’s hard for me to talk about. I’ve been in a situation that feels abusive, and I need support more than anything.”

Or even just:

“I don’t feel safe. I need someone to talk to.”

You don’t have to share every detail. Speak as much or as little as you need. Your safety comes first.

3. You don’t have to protect the abuser

Let’s name it: we’re often taught to stay quiet to protect the abuser. We don’t want to be seen as dramatic. We don’t want to ruin their reputation. We think: They weren’t always like this.

But protecting them means sacrificing you.

You are not disloyal for telling the truth. You are not cruel for choosing yourself. And you are not to blame for the harm someone else caused. Don’t let shame convince you to keep carrying their burden. Put it down. Speak.

4. Anticipate mixed reactions - and know that’s not your fault

Sometimes, family or friends may respond with disbelief, defensiveness, or even blame. That’s a reflection of them, not you. Many people don’t want to believe abuse is happening because it threatens their idea of the world — or of the person you’re talking about.

Your job is not to make them comfortable. Your job is to be free. And sometimes that means letting go of people who choose silence over your safety.

5. Let your truth set someone else free

If you have daughters, nieces, or young women in your life — know this: they’re watching. Even if you’ve hidden the worst of it. Even if you think they don’t know. When you speak up, you teach them they can, too. You show them that love is not supposed to hurt, and that they are worth protecting.

Talk to them gently. Use real words. Show them what boundaries sound like. What self-worth looks like. What walking away looks like, not because it was easy, but because you chose to love yourself more than you feared being alone.

6. There is no shame in being hurt — only strength in healing

Abuse is not your fault. Ever. The shame is not yours to carry. The silence is not your destiny. You are not broken, you are becoming. And when you speak the truth, you do something sacred. You interrupt the cycle. You reclaim your power. You light a path for someone else.

So if you’ve been waiting for a sign, this is it.

You are allowed to tell.

You are allowed to choose you.

You are allowed to begin again.

7. Plan for your safety

Speaking up can be difficult when you’re worried about your safety. If there’s a chance your abuser might try to hurt you or control you, you should put a safety plan in place ahead of time. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has an interactive guide to safety planning that you can use.

Connect with other DV survivors at the &Rise domestic violence support group

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and even scared to take your next steps, that’s understandable. Talking about your abuse for the first time can be risky, but staying in an abusive situation may be more dangerous in the long term. Remember that your emotional safety and well-being are worth protecting, too. When you look back on this moment in the future, you’ll be so proud of yourself for finding the courage to stand up for yourself.

If you need some moral support or a safe place to talk about your abuse with people who understand, we’re here to help. &Rise offers a domestic violence support group, free counseling, and more to women trauma survivors. You can also explore our Resources page to find local and national organizations that can help you through this time.

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Kelsey Hoff