Narcisisstic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is defined as psychological, financial, sexual, and physical abuse of others by someone with narcissistic traits or suffering from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Narcissistic abuse usually involves:
low or no empathy for others
inflated sense of self or entitlement
an extreme need of admiration and attention
Narcissistic tendencies may show patterns of manipulative, controlling behavior that includes verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. If you have suffered from Narcissistic abuse, you can feel confused, have low self esteem, you can even begin questioning your sanity and sense of reality.
Unfortunately, narcissistic abuse can have a serious, long lasting impact on emotional health for victims. Remember: people choose to abuse and manipulate others, and it’s possible to live with traits of narcissism, or any personality disorder, without becoming abusive.
AT FIRST, THEY SEEM AMAZING
Narcissistic abuse usually follows a pattern, however, this pattern might look different, depending on the type of relationship.
In a romantic relationship, the abuse usually begins slowly, after you’ve fallen hard and fast. Narcissists make you fall for them during the love bombing phase, where they seem loving, charming, kind, and generous. The narcissist makes you feel special by buying you expensive gifts, giving you tons of affection, compliments, and attention. This stage feels amazing and extraordinary that you don’t have enough time to think that they may be too good to be true.
As time goes on, they may begin to manipulate you with tactics such as negging (act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator's approval) which begin to replace the gifts and the expression of love.
Narcissistic parents may offer praise, love, adoration, and financial support until you do something to dissatisfy them and lose their favor. They too, often turn to tactics like negging, gaslighting, and silent treatment.
DOUBTS ABOUT IT BEING ABUSE
Narcissistic abuse usually starts slow and low key. You may not even fully understand what’s going on as well but you feel upset, confused, and guilty for upsetting them.
A narcissistic parent may say, “are you sure you want to eat that?” Or, at your expense, they turn something into a joke like: “you’re always tripping and falling. You’re so clumsy aren’t you?” They laugh with everyone in the room while patting your shoulder to make the insult seem well intentioned. Additionally, your friends and family may question your reality of the events and often believe that you are misunderstanding of the other person. This can be even more harming than the abuse itself. You can lose your faith in your support system and it can lead you to wonder whether the abuse took place at all.
THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN
People with narcissistic traits must keep an image of perfection in order to keep earning love and attention from others. Part of this may involve trying to making you look bad or crazy.
As soon as you begin pointing out flaws or concerns about their demeanor they may retaliate by insulting you or threatening you and making sure to involve others who will also criticize you. They will also begin to tell your support system stories that twist facts about your “harmful” or “unstable” behavior. The narcissist will try to defame you. The worst part is when you react with anger, they can use your reaction to support their lies.
Narcissists often are very charming to others. Remember that person they were in the beginning when you met? Everyone else still sees that person even though they have shown you their true colors. Unfortunately, the narcissist can win support from your loved ones, who only see the “good” side of them, by insisting they only have your best interests at heart. When you explain the abuse, they might side with the narc.
ISOLATION
If your support system doesn’t listen to you, you will begin to feel alone and isolated. When you feel this way, it leaves you more susceptible to more manipulation. Your abuser might make you feel better by being kind, apologizing, and acting like the abuse never happened. This tactic, known as hoovering and works better when you do not have support from others. You’re likely to doubt your feelings of the abuse when you can’t talk to anyone about it. What’s worse, is if your friends or family reach out to say you’ve made a mistake and say you should give the abusive partner another chance, you might end up doing so just to gain that connection with them again.
WALKING ON EGGSHELLS
One of the key characteristics of a narcissist is the inability of taking responsibility for their negative actions and harmful behavior. Abusive partners usually find a way to cast blame on you instead, no matter what. They may do this through deception, by insisting they said something you have no memory of or getting so mad that you end up apologizing and taking the blame.
If you believe they have cheated on you and tell them your concerns, they’ll respond with extreme anger accusing you of being disloyal and now accusing you of the cheating. They will then go on to tell you you don’t love them or don’t care. They may even say something like “If I was having an affair, it would be because you’re so boring in bed,” again putting the blame on you. These fits of anger can leave you feeling helpless and dependent on them and then feeling thankful they’re willing to remain with you even though you make so many mistakes. Even after you leave the relationship, you might have limiting beliefs that you can’t do anything right. Then when things go wrong in other areas of life, you may struggle to accept that you didn’t cause those problems.
YOU DON’T RECOGIZE THE PERSON IN THE MIRROR ANYMORE
Victims of abuse tend to adjust their self-identity to convenience their abusive partner. Your partner may make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with other people such as friends and family. As time goes on, you begin to spend less and less time with your support system until you stop seeing them completely.
Then, you may give up hobbies or things you love to do. You end up spending time with your partner, doing what they want to do instead so they know you love and care for them. This usually leads to a loss of your sense of self, which can make you feel empty and lost. You may have a hard time enjoying life and lose sight of your sense of purpose.
NO BOUNDARIES
Narcissists usually have little to no respect for boundaries. When you try to set limits or say “no,” they may challenge you, completely ignore your boundaries, or give you the silent treatment until you do what they are asking. Over time, you may give up on your boundaries all together. Once you end the relationship or distance yourself from a narcissistic parent, you say to yourself that you won’t answer their calls and texts or ever see them.
Be warned that if they know they can wear you down, they may not let you get away that easily. They may keep calling and texting to see if you will not follow through on your boundaries. If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, you may have trouble setting healthy boundaries in your relationships with others.
PHYSICAL EFFECTS OF NARC ABUSE
Narcissistic abuse can trigger anxious and nervous feelings that sometimes lead to physical symptoms. You may notice changes in your appetite, upset stomach, nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, other gastrointestinal distress, muscle aches, muscle pains, insomnia, and fatigue.
Using drugs and alcohol can seem helpful to deal with these symptoms, but as a result, you may take in more than you want in order to manage undesirable feelings or physical distress which can cause co-dependency issues on drugs and alcohol.
ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION
Depression and Anxiety occur as a result of narcissistic abuse. The serious stress you’re facing triggers constant feelings of worry, nervousness, and fear, especially because their behavior is unpredictable.
You may feel hopeless, worthless, lose interest in things that used to make you happy, and struggle to see any hope for the future. Additionally, it is common to be confused over what caused them to change suddenly. You may take the blame for the abuse, believing their accusations that you must not care about them enough or blaming yourself for falling for their lies in the first place. This can add to feelings of worthlessness and further diminish your self-esteem.
HOW TO GET HELP
&Flourish helps survivors of Narcissistic abuse to overcome the trauma and pain that occurred from their previous (or current) relationship. To get questions answered or to learn more about how we can help you heal, click the link below to contact us!