The Beginner’s Guide to Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotaging behavior is defined as when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, or deliberately hinder our own success, and well-being by undermining personal goals and values. An easy way to explain this is a New Years' resolution. We see a new year as a fresh new start so we set goals for ourselves, otherwise known as a resolution. Some people set a resolution to lose weight, get a better job, make new friends, etc.

Then the new year arrives and we dont move forward on the resolution we set. As a result, we end up feeling worse about ourselves than when we set the goal in the first place. Does this sound familiar to you? I know for myself i have done it tons of times in the past. But why? Why do we get excited about being a better version of ourselves to only backtrack on the goals we set?

Could it be low self-esteem? Low self worth? Lack of motivation? Perhaps, but there can also be reasons beyond your own understanding. Self-sabotage can occur when the desire to reduce threats exceeds the drive to reach goals. Perhaps change scares you that in and of itself hinders you from going towards the goals you set for yourself. Another reason for self-sabotage is it can be a learned behavior. Perhaps you saw your parents constantly set goals and not follow through, so it was something you simply learned and perceived as normal.

Other reasons for self-sabotage are rejection or neglect by a parent, this can cause low self-esteem and negative issues pertaining to self-image. This can compel us to sabotage personal relationships in an effort to avoid further vulnerability and rejection. Trauma can also cause someone to self-sabotage. A child who is violated by a person they trust, may look at the world as unsafe and view themselves as undeserving of good things in life, leading to self-sabotage.

I have always been very independent and ambitious. When I was in high school, I graduated early to get a head start against my peers. I worked, went to school, did not party, drink, or do drugs. I had it all together. Then I got accepted into a good university in the city and hated the school I went to. I hated the students, the work was really hard, and I felt completely out of my league. I ended up dropping out before the semester even ended. I believe I was discouraged. I didn’t think I was smart enough, so instead of trying to make it work,Ii just decided college was no longer for me. This was my way of self-sabotaging because I was scared people would see how dumb I was. No one knew how smart or not smart I was but I was deflecting. I just wanted to live an easy life and just work instead.

I also self-sabotaged in my romantic relationships. Dating men who sold drugs, who were in gangs, and allowing them to abuse me. After my relationship with my daughter's father, I was so incredibly heartbroken that my standards were at an all-time low. I would give anyone who looked my way a chance. In this time, i also met some guys who were really nice to me and would have treated me well but I didnt want them. I felt like the bad boys were exciting and internally I felt like that is what I deserved. I allowed men to cheat on me, steal from me, financially abuse me, physically abuse me, etc. I just did not want to be alone. I was willing to deal with all their abuse so long as they didn’t leave me.

This was all at a time in my life when I had not dealt with my trauma yet. So self-sabotage was my middle name. I always was in dangerous neighborhoods i had no business being in. I did dangerous things and put myself in a lot of dangerous situations. But I had no sense of care. I did not care about myself or what happened to me. I had no fear of consequences back then and it showed in my choices.

Fast forward to when I was in my mid-twenties and I started seeing a counselor. My own choices brought me to that point in my life, which was not the best place at the time. It was one of the hardest pills I ever had to swallow. To think that your life is not great because of all the choices you made. Not your mom. Not your dad. Not your friends. But you. You made these choices yourself. Ouch. It was not a fun moment. However, that moment made me more self-aware.

Self-awareness then brought me to uncover whyIi was making these choices. I did not value myself. I did not love myself. I did not think i deserved happiness. I never thought I would find happiness, so I sabotaged myself all the time. Once i realized these things though, it was absolutely life-changing. I began to work on myself. I began to start dealing with those hard traumas I had never dealt with before and I began to feel better. Slowly but surely I was healing.

Please know that this was not something that happened overnight. It took years to get to a better place but I knew I was working towards something great. As time went on, I learned to love myself. I learned that I wanted a good life and that I wanted to make my daughter proud of me. I wanted her to follow in my footsteps of making better choices for her life. If you are feeling discouraged and not knowing how to get there, send me a message! Sometimes we just need some guidance or mentorship from someone who has been there and done the hard work.

Please know that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. You simply have patterns to unlearn which can be done. You can achieve anything you set your mind to. But when those voices come up about you not being smart enough or worthy enough, combat it with a positive thought of why you do deserve it. How it makes your heart feel to hit that goal. If it makes your heart smile, then let that sentiment lead you instead of convincing yourself of why it cannot and would not work. If you need an accountability partner to keep you on track, consider asking a friend to help keep you motivated.

Do not forget that &Rise offers life and trauma coaching to help you in your journey. Many of our clients have been able to make their own dreams come true! Simply by just having a coach that believes in them and pushes them to accomplish the goals that has long been on their heart. You can be anything you want to be. You can be happy. It is possible.

View our coaching programs here.