Why Your Secrets are Physically Making You Ill

Have you ever heard the saying, “You’re only as sick as your secrets?” I believe in the message behind the saying because secrets make you sick. Did you know that keeping secrets has a negative effect on your body? Secrets can cause stress, anxiety, and even depression. Secrets linger in your mind. And the worst part? You can’t tell anyone about it.

Not all secrets are bad. Like “Don’t tell Tommy he has spinach in his teeth,” or “Don’t tell the kids about Santa until they are older.” These are small and harmless for most of us. However, you do take the risk of Tommy being upset or the kids resenting you for making up a lie. Harmless yes, but it still can sting.

People do not realize that keeping a secret could be hurting you just as much as revealing it. Even small secrets can keep relationships, both platonic and romantic, from being genuinely close. I held a secret most of my life. I was always told to keep my childhood sexual abuse a secret. I felt so much guilt and shame around my secret. Especially because my abuser was my dad. I was so ashamed to come from a family where this kind of thing was just swept under the rug.

Until I finally spoke. In 2019, at one of the first big events I ever did, I publicly spoke about my sexual abuse. My daughter, my mother, and my sisters were at that event and I even got choked up talking about it. I was scared of what they would say. But guess what, they said nothing about it. Once I let it out that one time, it was like a weight off my shoulders. I felt free. And it was a feeling I had never felt before because I had kept it in so long.

My father made me feel ashamed as if I was the one who did something wrong and I held on to that guilt and shame for most of my life. I realized that the only one benefiting from my silence was him. I decided to speak and use my voice to speak my truth. Yes, it was absolutely terrifying but remember that no one can take your truth away from you.

You know what happened. It’s your story to tell. Even if they don’t believe you or call you a liar, it’s still your truth. The reason people keep secrets is to protect the other person, to avoid confrontation, to fear disapproval or judgment, to feel ashamed or embarrassed, or to fear not being able to solve the issue.

I also kept the secret to protect both of my parents. I was scared they would go to jail (dad manipulated us into believing sending him to jail would ruin all of our lives and that we would all be homeless), so I kept it inside until just a few years ago.

I now know that my words have so much power and that I should only use them for good and truth. Not all truth is always good news but our secrets are what keep us sick. More importantly, no adult should ever be telling a child to keep a secret. That is a serious red flag and should be investigated thoroughly. Secrets with children are how predators take advantage of kids and end up doing horrible things to them.

Something else I have learned about secrets, as a mother, is to be honest with your children. Do not sugarcoat things for them. “But Jenny, I don’t want to scare them.” Guess what, the world is a scary place. If we teach our kids that everything in the world is rainbows and unicorns then when they get out into the real world, they will be slapped with chaos right in the face and not know how to handle it.

Be honest. “Mommy can’t buy you that right now because she is broke.” Sucks to say it, yes, but it’s the truth. When my grandfather had cancer, I told my daughter right away and didn’t sugarcoat it. I told her “Grandpa has cancer,” and then I was able to tell her more about it and answer any questions. Some family members choose not to tell their kids about the cancer, in order to protect them, but that backfired. My grandfather died and those kids resented their parents for not telling them sooner.

These are just some examples of why we shouldn’t sugarcoat and why secrets don’t really do that much good. It’s a temporary band-aid when there are better long-term solutions, like the truth.

The truth shall set you free.